The tears that glisten
as they stream down my cheeks
won’t satisfy your qualms
about a pair of eyes watching you
everyday just seeing you move
in and about the perfect life.
I seek solace in things
that’ll never happen between us
because in imagination I’ll not be angry
and you can’t shout
just because I made your house the wrong way
gave birth to retarded children
hold a job that I bring home everyday
All you can do in imagination
is to be you.
I can’t hear you because you’re too far away
but near enough to seek solace.
When you just show up from nowhere at all,
I tell myself it is for me.
After a while pretense hurts
and I realize that I don’t exist for you (!)
because all I’m doing here
is watching a normal person
Something which I can never be
Someone whom I’ll always love
but who will (quickly) detect I’m abnormal
more or less than normal
and throw me out of his life.
Your ignorance—I don’t blame you for that.
You’re smart.
No really, I want you
to hear this.
You’re smart and funny and happy and successful
In short, you’re everything that I’m not
and can never be.
That’s why I watch you
Just to feel with you
what your life, it feels like!
I don’t spend all my time here
I come precisely when you come out.
Believe me, it’s not planned.
It just happens.
Don’t blame innocent fate or blind coincidence
for making me come to see you
and letting me invade your privacy.
A horn takes me to the window.
You coming by? Notify me beforehand, will you?
So that I don’t come running to the window
Shift the curtains—enough to hide me, enough to reveal you.
Except, it’s never you.
It’s always someone else.
With time I made this cover
It’s what you see of me
What lies underneath is not your concern.
Neither is it going to be anyone else’s.
The cover-up needed expertise
When you’re hurt everyday, you learn to shield yourself.
Meanwhile, you forget your sadness;
forget sadness…hmmm
wake up to tragedies…hmmm
never sleep…hmmm
You lose all hurt and you lose all life too.
Your mama and papa away, Big Boy?
I can see you’ve got nothing to do.
I fidget when the to-do list runs out.
So I stock myself for years to last
lest I remember what I was born for.
That’ll hurt me all over again.
Don’t remind me!
I can’t build cover-ups day to day
With ashes of my life.
So I pretend I’ve got many things to do
except for what I was born to do.
Make me not think.
Big Boys don’t make anonymous cry!
If tears, my tears, didn’t spill
You wouldn’t know that you can play this game too.
Just pretend and model and show off
Every bit of human in you.
Now, that’s enough. I don’t want you to model.
It’s not about your clothes or shoes.
It’s about your heart.
I can’t hear it beat. Show me how it beats.
I should understand why it beats
without having to hear my own.
Doctor, are you?
May be I can be your patient
and license you to play God.
I should talk to you
Humor you into believing I’m the best thing (?)
that could have happened to you.
Of course, that doesn’t include your hard-earned degree
that lets you make or break.
Play on…God!
Then you come closer
So close I nearly glance at your soul.
And you smile because it’s your turn now
to watch
how breathless I can be
how mystified from closer
so different than the shadows you saw on my window.
I’m not a shadow but my shadow hates to be me too.
My breath quickens, it may stop
by the knowledge of being watched.
Loving is not about money.
It’s about standing by to see her dreams fulfilled.
Not only yours.
Having enough belief in her.
Letting go of her.
It isn’t about hurting her
and healing it with ice-cream.
One moment you love her because she’s a success
and the next she gets beaten because she failed.
Where’s love then?
Inside that ice-cream?
Hiding and cowering
so that it doesn’t get beaten too.
Love her as a part of you
Not like someone who’s going away without your permission.
The city lights make me feel (I’m) naïve
because I can’t carry all that light in me.
The lights in your house give me life.
Inspire to prove to you
I’m not awake for nothing
I could have been lost in dreams by now
But I’m awake. Rooted in being awake.
Looted of beautiful dreams by the minute.
I am like the dog that you cuddle -
wagging my tail
at your face and behind you.
I cling on to you…
Impressions, glimpses, retakes
whatever you give, I take.
If it’s anyone, it’s you doctor
who can cure me of this obsession for you.
3 comments:
Held on for as much as I could. But couldn't help it anyway.. had to cry.......sorry!
Here is the one you have read already.... I am clearing up my desktop as I leave this place soon, And I dont keep what I create... besides it was for u. Consider this as a comment/compliment to honour your superb works.. particularly this one, "The doctor....²
My quest to sense you!
Are you;
The images in a cloud,
of a boy’s imagination?
The brightness of the temple pinnacle,
accentuated by the morning light?
The intermittent vision in the darkness,
given by a firefly in search of love?
The colours of life in the aura,
radiant from an elderly’s birthday candle?
The first tune of Maalshree,
eagerly awaited by children?
The intimate sound of waves,
rinsing the silent banks?
The mystic chirps of birds,
of a vibrant new dawn?
The tranquillity felt in the snickers
of an infant gently tickled?
The warmth of my imminent pyre,
that I hope will make you stronger?
The shape of inspiration,
fulfilling my deprivation?
The incessant source of words here,
as tribute our elusive love?
The gentle breeze of breaths in my ears.
throbbing my heart to bliss?
Are you;
The symbol of chastity,
running down in my tears?
The realm of rampant senses,
fomenting my dormant feelings?
The exemplar so relevant,
as unparalleled beauty?
Yet, are you;
The oblivion of sweetness and the fragrance.
that will last for eternity?
- S
13:14, July 25, 2008
"Love is not ready for you. Maybe love just isn't the marrying type.
Maybe the next time you see love is twenty years after the marriage. Love will look older then, but just as beautiful as you remember."
I sincerely apologize for disappearing on you. I didn't want to but had to. Hope you find comfort in the fact that I still think about you every since day.
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